


Leather Jackets are Easily Fire-Proofed

by im2tired4urshit



Category: Gravity Falls, Over the Garden Wall (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M, Magic Dipper Pines, Magic-Users, Underage Smoking, magic-user Wirt, magical Wirt, punk-ish Wirt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-04-05 01:06:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4159785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im2tired4urshit/pseuds/im2tired4urshit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wirt learns to use magic to protect himself (and Greg) from nightmares, as he becomes more skilled he makes friends in the magical community. One such friend is Dipper Pines, who, somehow, is actually an Adonis.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i> How did Wirt not notice before? </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hedge Witch Sites are Surprisingly Adept at Citing Their Sources

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just like an fyi my comp is totes fucked rn  never let old people borrow your laptop  so updates might be spotty, tho imam try for weekly updates

After they got back, after they got out of the hospital that is, Wirt couldn’t sleep. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing The Beast standing over him, without feeling the roots crawl their way up his legs and body.

He knew Greg felt the same, maybe worse. 

Weeks flew by and neither of them slept or ate or functioned really. Wirt spent all his new found time researching anything and everything that could maybe, _maybe_ , help them. After almost four months he found something, something that, under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have believed.

Deep, deep, deep, in the archives of some hedge witch cite he found a link to on some hipster self healing blog, was a spell. At this point he was beyond desperate and was willing to try anything, _anything_ , to help his little brother. 

It had to be done in the woods near a _running spring_ on the _**full moon**_. Which was two days from the day he found the spell in the first place. On a **school night**.

He was going to perform witchcraft on a school night. Which, admittedly is the closest thing to a social life Wirt had had since he woke up in the hospital.

So at 9:30 on a Sunday Wirt was huddled around a small fire in the woods, which were a three hour walk from his house, re-reading the incantation for the spell.

He took a deep breath, calming his mind, and thinking of Greg and himself peacefully asleep. Not a nightmare in sight. As he let out the breath he began to chant.

“ _Luna est amicus meus me custodias trahentes in somnis pulchritudine. Sunt sidera perpetuo lucet serenitate et tranquillitate animi ferens,_ ” As he chanted the wind _literally, actually, for real_ picked up. The flames roared up higher and higher until it was taller than Wirt himself. They almost reached the branches above him, but stopped as if they knew better, “ _Avertam oculos meos et ipsi solent parari, usque mane mea salute neglexit._ ” 

When he finished the fire put itself out, no sputtering or anything. He checked and saw that not even a single ember still smoldered.

Guess Smokey was wrong, he thought.

He got home just pasted one in the morning. His mom was long asleep, but Jonathan sat waiting in the living room. Wirt contemplated sneaking in through his window, but figured he’d just have to deal with it in the morning. 

He keyed the door open silently and took his shoes off at the door, but there was really no way to sneak past. Accepting his fate Wirt flopped on to the couch.

“You’re home a bit late, don’t you think?” Jonathan asked, not looking up from his book.

Wirt went to shrug, but narrowed his eyes in suspicion instead. He wasn’t going to use his big boy words if he didn’t want to, he didn’t, and no book was going to make him. So he shrugged. Fuck Jonathan, and his little book too.

After a good three minutes had passed Jonathan looked up at Wirt and raised his eyebrow. Wirt shrugged again.

“Mind telling me where you were?”

“Bonfire.” Wirt said.

“With whom?”

“Nobody.”

“You went to a bonfire with nobody?” Jonathan could really lay on the sarcasm when he wanted to.

“Yup.” Maybe he should have put more thought into his lie, maybe he shouldn’t have done the spell, maybe-

“Were you with that Susie girl?”

“Wow, no. Her names Sara for one-”

“Oh, so you were with Sara then?”

“No, I told you-”

“If not Sara then who?”

“Nobody! I haven’t even talked to Sara in months!”

“So who then? Because the only reason I could see for you staying out so late, and lying about it, is a girl.” Jonathan finally put his book down and leveled Wirt with a stern-dad-ly-stare.

“There is no girl, Jonathan. I didn’t even know all the people there-” Jonathan cut him off again.

“Well if you-” Wirt was getting pissed at this point, probably a bit too pissed, but who _fucking_ cares he hasn’t slept in days and he just wants to go to bed not face this ridiculous third degree.

“Stop interrupting me,” Wirt’s voice was deadly cool, “I can’t tell you anything if you don’t let me speak.”

“There is no girl, there won’t be a girl, ever, so stop. I was out. There was a bonfire, I went, it sucked, I left. Nothing else happened, and even if something had happened you are literally so far down on the list of people I would tell about it right now that it is ridiculous. I appreciate your concern, and I’m glad you care enough to try, but stop. I haven’t slept in about nine days, and the last time I slept it lasted all of thirty-eight minutes. So I’m going to sleep, and then I’m going to school, and no one’s gonna bring this up in the morning because I’m not going to talk about it, or anything else from tonight or the last six months. Good night, Jonathan.” Wirt stood up and walked silently to his room, because just because he was mad doesn’t mean Greg needs to wake up in the middle of the night.

He was in his room for all of five minutes before he saw that all his caution was for naught, Greg crept into his room and sat on the edge of his bed.

“Did I wake you up?” Wirt asked softly, pulling his little brother into his lap.

Greg shook his head.

“Do you want to sleep in here?” Wirt asked, voice slightly muffled by Greg’s hair.

Greg hummed his assent, not wanting to dislodge his big brother.

Wirt tucked them into bed, Greg’s back to the door so Wirt could keep watch. Just as Wirt began to drift closer to unconsciousness Greg lifted his head a bit to look Wirt in the eye.

“You smell like the fire.” He said.

“I was at a bonfire.” Wirt replied.

“No, you smell like _the_ fire.” Greg’s voice was a whisper, such a stark contrast from the rowdy boy he was during the day.

“Which fire?” Wirt asked, confused.

“The one at Auntie Whispers.” Greg’s voice was barely audible. 

They rarely spoke of their time in the unknown, but when they did it was always in full seriousness. Now, at least. In the beginning, before the nightmares kept them up for days on end, or worse, in the clutches of sleep where they couldn’t escape, they had spouted story after story of their adventures. It became harder to make light of it all, though, when every waking moment was spent in fear of what lurked in their memories. The Beast loomed over them wherever they went, awake or asleep, like a demented second fucking shadow.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Wirt’s voice trembled.

Greg nodded, the look in his eyes screamed, always.

“I was in the woods trying to perform a spell to keep the nightmares away. A-and I think it worked.” Wirt looked over Greg’s head, watching Jonathan’s shadow stand outside his door. He knew he was too quiet to be heard, Greg might not have even heard all that he said.

“I think so too.” Greg nodded and smiled up at him before snuggling close to his chest.

“Good night, Greg.”

“G’night, Wirt. Love you.” Greg’s voice surprised him, he wasn’t expecting him to reply at normal volume.

“Love you too.”

The spell worked, they slept nightmare free for days, Wirt wasn’t sure if it was some kind of placebo thing or what. 

He went back to the website to look for more spells.

He found a spell that could protect Greg, and it didn’t even involve going to the woods or somewhere else hella far away. It did say it would work better on the new moon, which just so happened to be that Saturday.

He sat in his room with one of his mom’s emergency candles sat in front of him. He envisioned Greg with a shield wrapped around him, protecting him from harm. He imagined Greg living out the rest of his life without so much as a scraped knee, and then he began to chant.

“ _I call upon the four corners,_  
North, South, East, and West,  
To craft this spell in the fire,  
Craft it well weave it higher,  
Weave it now of shining flame,  
None shall come to hurt or maim,  
None shall pass no none at all,  
Protect this child I ask of thee,  
Protect him now till he is free,  
As I Ask, So Mote It Be! "

The candle flame grew, like the campfire had, until it was taller than Wirt, then extinguished itself completely.

\---

The next day Wirt watched as Greg fell from a branch thirty feet up a tree and landed without a scratch.

Wirt didn’t doubt his magic again after that.


	2. Kia Rio's are Cute Shut Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao wirt might seem out of character but i hv an explanation i swear  
> ill probs make a tumblr post about it or something if i dont actually address it in fic but w/e  
> dont expect updates to be this soon all the time, i plan to post at least once a week tho

By Wirt’s sixteenth birthday that June Wirt was a veritable witchboy, which he found out was the technical term for what he _probably_ was. 

He had made a few friends, one a kid a few years younger than him that lived a couple towns over, but mainly kept his witchy-ness to himself. He hadn’t told Greg about any spells after the first one, didn’t want him trying to get into the stuff.

He found out that he was much better at spells when he didn’t have to repeat someone else’s words to reach the desired outcome, and that he was quite good at coming up with his own spells.

Of course, once he got into that he had to collect his own supplies and start a grimoire and all sorts of stuff he didn’t want his parents finding out about. Which meant he had to make his own money, some of that stuff is pretty pricey, which is how he ended up meeting the kid from a couple towns over. He was making money by commissioning his spell making abilities.

It was a surprisingly lucrative, and ridiculously dangerous, field.

Which brought him back to his sixteenth birthday.

His mom had insisted on throwing him a giant party, especially after he refused to let her buy him a car (he made $4,000+ a month, and expected to make more come fall, how could he let her buy him a car? He didn’t even let her buy his new clothes anymore!), which meant he had to invite all his “friends” (What friends? He spent all his time practicing witchcraft, how do you expect him to make friends?).

Not knowing what else to do he invited the kid (Dipper? Yeah, Dipper.) and his sister, along with Sara and Co. The only problem with that plan was that he had never actually seen Dipper or his sister so when they showed up he had to deal with the awkward,

“Hi person I met on the internet and his family!”

Along with,

“Hi person I met on the internet and never saw until this moment, by the way _oh great God in heaven how on earth did I manage to make friends with a fucking **Adonis** and not notice???_ ”

\---

Wirt woke up on June thirteenth, 2014 to the sound of an unholy demon _screeching_ in his _ear_.

Greg stood by the side of his bed with a grin so big it could have broke his face in half.

“Happy Birthday, Wirt!” He screamed, God he’s lucky he has that protection spell on his side. A terrible lack of foresight on Wirt’s part really.

“It’s not a happy birthday if I wake up to screaming Greg.” Wirt groaned, sitting up and stretching.

“Yes it is. Mom made chocolate waffles!”

“You’re right, chocolate waffles make everyday a happy day. The world could end and as long as I had chocolate waffles for breakfast it will have been one of the best days of my life.” Wirt stood, pushing Greg out of his room so he could get dressed.

Since starting with the magic stuff Wirt’s wardrobe had had to be seriously downgraded. Wool and several open flames did not one mix happily (slacks were pretty flammable too). So now his wardrobe consisted of jeans, plain T’s, and (much to his classmates delight and his own chagrin) the occasional leather jacket (they’re the easiest material to fireproof on a budget without looking uber suspicious, okay?). Today was a [jacket day](http://www.google.com/url?q=http%3A%2F%2Fpunk-rock-matt-murdock.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F121789875069%2Fpunk-wirt&sa=D&sntz=1&usg=AFQjCNG59jCqO1UHL0JjOOytW7mpqZev-w).

He needed to perform a ritual before moon-down at some point today and it involved a lot of fire. He planned on casting a spell to bring him peace for the next year of his life, he needed it. Lucky him his birthday was on the full moon.

After a delicious breakfast Wirt and his mother went to the DMV to get his licence. Then to the dealership, to “look for potential buys”, where Wirt surprised his mother by buying a cute little Kia Rio upfront with cash.

Seeing Jonathan’s face when he beat his mom home in his new car was almost sweeter than the feeling of _owning his own car_. All the paperwork he had to fill out though was pretty shitty. It’s 2014 why can’t he just buy a car and leave jeez.

“Where did you get the money for this?” Jonathan asked, after listening to his mom’s teary eyed rendition of the afternoon.

“I’ve been doing some commissions online for the past couple months,” Wirt shrugged, “It’s not that big a deal really.”

The party started at four, he got to re-meet all those annoying uncles and aunts and cousins. Sarah, Jason, Kathleen, Johnny, and a few other kids from school showed up just before five and distracted him from all the people he was supposed to remember from when he was, like, two years old.

“Hey Wirt! Happy birthday!” Sara and Co. greeted him.

“Hey guys, thanks.” Wirt smiled warmly.

“What have you been up to since school got out?” Kathleen asked.

“Oh you know, practicing witchcraft, joining the mafia, getting a part timer. The usual.” The group laughed, ahaha yea that was all a joke.

Wirt’s phone went off, he looked down and saw it was a text from Dipper.

**From: Dipper  
hey so, i may or may not have accidentally deleted the directions you sent me. just in case mind a quick repeat?**

He sent off the directions quickly, then before he could chicken out he sent another.

**To: Dipper  
what did you tell your fam about how we met? Bc idk bout you but I don’t rlly tell my fam about my extracurriculars...**

**From: Dipper  
im honestly so glad u asked bc i was just gonna go w w/e u said**

**To: Dipper  
we should stick as close to the truth as possible, so u gotta commission and we ended up becoming friends? thats p much what happened anyway.**

**From: Dipper  
sounds legit ttys**

In retrospect they could have spent a bit more time on the subject, maybe thrown in a “hey just so you know here’s what I look like!” then he could have at least prepared himself. Instead he sat there looking like an idiot with his jaw on the ground.

About thirty minutes after his last text Dipper and his sister (whose name is actually Mabel) were dropped off by their parents. Luckily for Wirt he saw them from his bedroom window where he was hanging out with Sara and Co., unluckily for him all his friends noticed and thought he was drooling over Mabel. Well, except for Sara, who knew better.

By the time they made it upstairs Wirt had managed to calm himself down, relatively, and had gotten everyone off the topic of his gobsmacked expression. 

Wirt got up to answer the door when he heard the soft knock.

“Hey guys, come in.” Wirt stepped aside and held the door open.

Dipper stayed frozen in the door his eyes locked on Wirt while Mabel introduced herself to the room. She was a hit immediately.

“You okay dude?” Wirt asked, leaning in to block Dipper slightly. Not that it mattered with how his sister was working the room.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry. You’re, uh, different. UH, than I expected, that is.” Dipper said.

“I feel the same, trust me.” Wirt said.

Dipper nodded and walked into the room. Wirt shut the door and sat down on the bed, everyone else was seated on the ground in a circle focused on Mabel. Dipper hovered for a moment before Wirt grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the bed.

“You were making me nervous.” Wirt explained with a shrug.

“So, how do you guys know Wirt?” Jason asked.

“I’ve been doing poetry and writing commissions for a couple months and Dipper needed someone to help him out. We ended up messaging back and forth for a while.” Wirt interrupted before Mabel could doom them all.

“Is that how you payed for your car?” Kathleen asked.

“Yeah.”

“Wait, so, does that mean this is your first time meeting face-to-face?” Sara asked.

“I guess.” Wirt shrugged.

“Well now I feel bad, you should have said something! We can all go mingle if you guys want.” Sara gave Wirt a ‘don’t-you-dare-waste-this-opportunity-you-idiot’ look, for which she is famous, before looking back at everyone else expectantly. 

“Oh,no you don’t have to.” Dipper said waving his hands around like it will help him prove his point.

 _What a babe_ , Wirt thought.

“No, bro-bro really! You know I love to mingle! Don’t wanna start our sophomore year single!” Mabel said, sending her brother a ‘don’t-you-dare-waste-this-opportunity-you-idiot’, for which she is famous, before rounding everyone up and ushering them out.

“Oh man, if looks could kill. Did you see the looks they were giving us?” Wirt broke the silence and scratched the back of his neck, looking at Dipper out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, what was that about? Hehe.” Dipper blushed and pulled down the bill of his hat.

“So what’s up man.” Wirt flopped back so that he was laying back with his feet on the ground, he looked up at Dipper as he spoke.

“What do you mean?” Dipper asked. He sent Wirt a confused looked, but quickly looked away once he saw him.

“I mean what’s up? How’ve you been , what’s your story, what’re you into, are you really comfortable with how chummy your sister is getting with Jason? All the good stuff.” Wirt held Dipper’s gaze when he finally looked back over.

“Oh, well, I’m fine I guess? I don’t really have a story, or well, not a short one. Why would i be uncomfortable with who my sister chooses to be chummy with? Is he like a perv or something?” Dipper looked a bit concerned.

“Nah, he’s fine. I mean I may not be his biggest fan or anything, but he’s not that bad,” Wirt sat up a bit, leaning on his elbows, “You didn’t answer one.”

“One what?” Dipper tried to play it off.

“One of my questions.” Wirt nudged him with his knee.

 _God please let this be going where I think it is!_ Wirt prayed.

“Oh, well, I wasn’t sure... How... To answer.” Dipper looked over and his breath caught in his throat.

Wirt was propped up on his elbows, draped across the bed like a gift from God himself.

 _Please God, let this be going where I think it’s going!_ Dipper prayed.

“How do you want to answer?” Wirt raised his eyebrows.

Dipper paused for a moment before surging forward and capturing Wirt’s lips with his. It was messy, and wet (and maybe had a bit too much tongue), but Dipper’s breathy moans made up for it. Wirt flipped them around so that he was on top and straddled Dipper’s hips.

“So that's what you’re into, huh?” Wirt smirked, grinding into Dipper’s already obvious erection.

“Does your door lock, or?” Dipper nodded in the direction of the door.

“Oh, look at that. Pretty _and_ smart.” Wirt leaned in for one more kiss before he walked across the room, grabbing the desk chair on the way, and shoved the chair under the handle. Effectively locking out any unwanted guests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao should i write the smut scene or nah bc i hv chap 3 p much finished and it includes like 0% smut so if ur down for that let me know  
> also this is still unBeta'd so plz point out fucked up shit to me thank


	3. It's My Party and I'll Make You Cry if I Want To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm shit and this is all you get for now  
> sorry not sorry but its hella short

Wirt gave himself and Dipper a quick one-over to ensure that they didn’t look too much like they’d just banged.

 

Dipper’s hair was back under its cap, sex hair not a problem, and his clothes were back on and suspicious stain free. Wirt’s hair tucked into a red beanie to help make sure his hair was under control, his shirt was replaced with a new one (casualty of war), and his below-the-belt articles were all replaced. Deeming them presentable Wirt put the chair back at his desk and sat back down on the bed.

 

“Shouldn’t we get back to the party?” Dipper asked, still standing.

 

“After the exact amount of time it takes to have a quickie? Nah, let’s wait until someone comes looking for us. If they find us doing nothing they can’t say we did anything.” Wirt finished with a wink.

 

“Oh, okay. What do you wanna do then?” Dipper sat back down on the bed.

 

“Well, later I wanted to do this ritual to help protect me over the coming year. You wanna help?” Wirt scooched himself up to sit against the headboard.

 

“Sure! What ritual?” Dipper looked over to him excitedly.   

 

Wirt told him all about it, soon enough they were so busy nerding out over it that they didn’t notice time flying by. Finally, after what felt like minutes but was really hours, Sarra and Mabel came upstairs to get them for food and presents.

 

“What’re you two nerds talking about?” Sara asked after she barged in.

 

“Dungeons and Dragons.” Wirt replied.

 

“OH MY GOD, DIPPER! YOU PLAY D&D?” Mabel collapsed down onto the bed next to them laughing.

 

“No way! Wirt’s trying to get me to play with him.” Dipper shoved his sister off the bed.

 

“What? Wirt, you play D&D? Since when?” Sara sent Wirt a questioning look.

 

“I don’t. This guy I know needs some people to come play with him for some thing he’s doing.”

 

“Oh, cool.” Sara seemed satisfied.

 

“Did you guys need something?” Dipper blushed and pulled down the bill of his hat when everyone turned their attention to him.

 

“It’s time for food and presents and stuff.” Sara said, standing up.

 

Wirt nodded and stood up himself. They all paraded down stairs to the kitchen, his mom asked them to help carry dishes and platters of food to the big fold out tables that she and Jonathan had set up.

 

The food was good, his mom was a great cook, and he made sure Dipper and Greg were on either side of him so that none of his relatives could swarm in and ask about school or something the whole meal. Sara and Co. (who he really needed to stop calling that, even if it was just in his head.) sat on the other side of the table, blocking anymore potentially awkward relatives. 

 

When they were all finished with food it was time for presents. Wirt, apparently, is a hard person for adults to shop for. He got a grand total of twenty visa prepaid gift cards, four pairs of socks, and a leather bound journal (which said in the cover, “Kids grow up so fast, document your experiences for the ones to come!” on a pink sticky note. He planned to turn it into a grimoire. Aunt Kathy the Catholic, the gift giver, would have a heart attack.) from all his relatives. Greg had given him a drawing of Jason Funderberker (the frog), whom they had had to release, earlier that morning. His friends had gotten him a tablet and some fancy written-to-type converter so he could put all his poetry on his blog like he (had) wanted to (Wirt thought it would be a great way to include diagrams and things with his commissions.). Mabel gave him a big sweater with a little computer screen on it, and Dipper gave him a  [ T-shirt ](http://www.zazzle.com/sorry_i_missed_church_i_was_busy_practicing_witch_tshirt-235580084363908467) that said, “Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft.” (his favorite gift by far).

  
  


After gifts was cake, and then Mabel busted out a karaoke machine from out of no where and challenged anyone who looked her way to a sing-off. Wirt ended up being forced to go up there and sing “The Power”, by Snap. 

 

It was the best thing to ever happen in his life, when you see almost fifty people jumping chairs and knocking over tables to do the running man... You’ll understand.

 

Mabel tried to one up him by performing “Babooshka”, by Kate Bush, including the weird clown-esque dancing from the music video. Sara one up-ed her by singing “You’re The Best”, by Joe Esposito. Then Dipper busted out a perfect rendition of “Wind Beneath My Wings”, by Bette Midler and all the women in the audience had lighters and sung along.

 

He did a mic drop when he finished and everything. 

 

“PARTY KING, PARTY KING!” Mabel chanted for the next ten minutes while Dipper bowed graciously to the crowd.

 

After that he, Mabel, and Dipper all sung “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head.   

  
To say that they totally crushed it would be an understatement.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry this is shit and im trash but u made it here so thanks.  
> if you hv any comments, good or bad, let me know! they ~~and the blood of politicians~~ are my life force


End file.
